Matters of the heart

On Saturday, as I was feeding KB his cereal, my brother called me. I didn't know it was him, but since I could not really talk then, I let it go to the answering machine. I suddenly heard his voice, crying, as he began his message. Those moments are the worst. You wonder what happened and your mind races into all kinds of fearful thoughts. I ran and grabbed the phone. He told me that one of our family friends had suddenly died of a heart attack. Now this is not someone we were actively in touch with. But whenever we all met up at weddings or functions, we talked to each other with that sense of familiarity and liberty that only comes with people who are part of your childhood. Both of us were feeling quite miserable about this news. I hung up with my brother and called out to B and asked him to continue feeding KB. KB would normally refuse but somehow he sensed that I was upset about something and allowed B to take over. I ran upstairs to call the wife of our friend who had passed away. She is one of the sweetest people I know and quite young too - it was heart breaking for me to think she would have to now get on with life without her husband. She has a good job so at least she will be very busy and that will help ease the pain. Nevertheless, this kind of void never goes away.

We (our family) used to stay in a large rented house when I was a little baby. Now, A, the person who passed away in what would be considered midlife in this modern day, has known me since I was a little baby. He had his own business and was a talented Mridangist who played for top artists in his time. He was so casual about it. After many years of not being in touch with him I had some email exchanges with him in 06. So really speaking we hardly had any contact with him directly. But to think he passed away was so painful for both me and my brother - we are the ones who were more in touch with all of them.

Sometimes you don't actively keep in touch with a person, don't think about them often. But when you do think about them, there is so much comfort in knowing they are there, a phone call away if you wanted to talk to them. Sadly, we often don't exercise it. And then they are gone. A sense of order in life is shaken up when the person suddenly is no more. A piece of your childhood is gone. It is not just him. I have had the misfortune of losing two very close friends - one to an impulsive act of anger and frustration a few years after his tumultuous marriage (he survived for a month and passed away), the other friend J, to a brain embolism. J was a physician herself and was supposed to go on her rounds at the research hospital she worked at - when she didn't show up - they went to her room to find her on the floor. She was my very close friend - I had lost touch with her for nearly two years. I thought of her so many many times, yet never picked up the phone to call her. One day I decided I just HAD to call her and looked her name up on the internet when it came up in a website for a funeral home. Everything matched to her name - but I could not believe it at all for I was in utter shock. J? J? J? I was shaking all over. I hit myself (not literally) a thousand times for not having been in touch with her. How could this have happened? She had died a year back and I didn't even know. She was an utterly brilliant student and the apple of her father's eye. The first child amongst three and she made her parents feel so proud of her. She went to top schools and excelled in whatever she took up. She used to tell me that her mother used to take her to so many classes when she was in school and that her life was so busy. She slogged all her life and just when her career had reached a point where she was reaping the fruits of her hard work, she was taken away from this world ruthlessly without warning. And the worst part, I didn't even know. I could not get in touch with any one in her family to know what had happened. No one picked up the phone or replied to my letter. Finally I wrote to her research advisor at the university where she was a fellow and he told me what had happened. Knowing what had happened is the best closure I could get. I never got a chance to tell her how much she meant to me.

Somehow now I feel nervous when I hear a voice breaking up on the answering machine - I fear the worst. Death is so final, an uncompromising phenomenon that those left behind have to contend with and have no choice in the matter. You are left with memories, you know you have to go on. Even in the worst of cases - mother, father, spouse, even the most cruelest of all, death of a child, people find ways to go on. Because they just have to. There is no choice in the matter. But each time I think of some of the people who have gone in the last five years or so, relatives or friends, I wish for one chance to talk to them again...knowing it will never be.

There is more fear in my system now that I am a mother of two children and am so deeply attached to my husband and children. I have forgotten how carefree I used to be as a student, not really thinking much about death. I used to drive between two states, alone, late at night never really afraid of what if I had an accident. Now I think of what my children will do without me and I am more careful about such things. I have now dealt with the loss that comes from losing close ones and I find myself fearing the loss of people I feel I can't even live without. I tell myself I should make more of an effort to be in frequent touch with people, but am also unable to live life thinking that a certain person might be gone, hence I should be in touch. You just take life in stride and you write when you feel like it. I am able to accept the death of people who have had a full life and passed away in the natural cycle that life is supposed to be. But when people die young somehow it is so hard to accept.

Many of you may have followed this news about the death of Tim Russert, the "Meet the press" anchor. He suddenly died of a heart attack. This is someone who could afford and got the best care needed to be in good health. And supposedly he did exercise and did his bit to maintain his health. And there is so much controversy now if his death could have been prevented had they used a defibrillator on time. And as I read this I think to myself that I don't even know how to use a defibrillator. If it is so important to administer it in time to save a life, I should take a CPR course and learn it. Because there are a couple of people I know who are diabetic, have high cholesterol and lead stressful lives. A part of me wants to be fatalistic and think, if this can happen to Tim Russert, it can happen to anyone. But statistics show otherwise. Proper and timely care especially in the cases of stroke and heart attacks have definitely saved lives.

The other day B went to drop off my niece at her college. On his way back he was stuck in traffic due to a seven vehicle collision on the freeway. It had happened just as he entered the freeway. Probably seconds after. He came home close to midnight. I was annoyed that he got stuck in the traffic delay but mostly I was just thankful he got home. It turned out the two people who died in that accident were rear passengers who had not worn their seat belts and had been ejected and thrown out on the freeway. Two lives lost thanks to not wearing a seat belt. Gives me the shivers if I think about how many of my own family members don't wear their seat belts just because they are sitting in the back seat.

What is the point of this post? I guess there is no real point. But the hope that at least when we read about such things, we will do what we can to prevent needless loss of life. For when a life is lost, it is impossible to get it back. And yes, what prompted this post was the death of our young friend to heart attack and the memories of a few other people I lost in recent years came flooding back. I shall stop here for every day matters beckon me now.

Kutti girl turns one!

B and I woke up to KG calling out to us as she always does from her crib this morning. For a second we forgot that today was her birthday. I nursed her and passed the cozy bundle that she is on to B. He took her downstairs and I went back to sleep. An hour later, B brought her back into the room (this is our usual routine) when KB woke up. As she came crawling to my lap from the edge of the bed, I suddenly exclaimed to B, "Oh my God, it is her first birthday!". My excuse is that I was really sleepy when I woke up at 5.30 am because KG woke up three times unusually last night to nurse and I had to wake up to take KB to the bathroom too.


From that moment on, I have been so aware of this feeling that she is now a one year old. One! Not 3m or 6m - she is one! I can hardly believe it. When KB turned one I felt like I noticed the time passing by. With her, time just flew by. Last year this time, I was in the hospital, just having delivered her. The dramatic, lightning arrival of this little tigress! That's what we call her these days. She is bold, strong willed, confident, playful, affectionate, expressive and utterly delightful to us. And in her own way she is calm, composed and patient. I can hardly believe sometimes how she has a distinct personality at such an early age. I remember how KB's pediatrician told me during his 3m check up, "You try to remember all his infant personality traits...twenty years from now, you will think back and say, yes, he was that way even as an infant". He didn't mean that people don't change, but there is some distinct personality that is so inherent to the person that you can observe at a very early age.

During my second pregnancy, when I was about to go for the ultrasound that would also give me a hint of the gender of the baby, I had no expectations. I was OK with a girl or a boy. If I had any thoughts, it was just that I wanted the baby to be healthy. It was quite the opposite during my first pregnancy, I actually was sure it would be a girl, I only dreamed of a girl and wanted a girl child. And it turned out to be a boy at that time. For the second child, when the doctor told me (it was at 13 weeks I think, very early on) that he is 80% sure that it would be a girl, I had no feelings either way . He was a very experienced and funny Japanese doctor. Later when it was confirmed that it would be a girl baby, I just took it in stride. I didn't think much of it. It was my sister who e-mailed me saying how special it is to have a girl child and how much she enjoys having a daughter (she is now in high school). I would have been very happy had it been another boy. But now that I have kutti girl, I can see why my sister sent me that email. I love both KB and KG just the same. In fact people often tell me I have an extra soft corner for KB. I just think it has to do with his being the first child and how I feel protective towards him just because he is more sensitive compared to KG.


There is a certain bond you feel with a daughter that you just cannot explain. A feeling that comes from the common gender? A feeling that she will understand? That she already does? When I see how much she has helped me cope with the days soon after my mother left, I want to write her a letter now and show it to her later as to how she saved me from agony by being such an angel. Eating fast, sleeping on her own when she was sleepy because I had no choice but to sit and give KB his lunch. I just did not have the time to rock her to sleep the way I did when KB was an infant. She smiles at me as if knowingly and thumps me with her warm palm on my nose and cheeks. She is certainly not an easy child just because of how extremely energetic and fast she is in every thing she does. She cannot sit still for a minute. Our constant gripe is that we cannot hold her long enough to feel her cozy warmth. She asks to be carried only to squirm and jump out of our hands to grab some object that caught her attention from that vantage point. She is demanding because she needs to be watched or she will speed to the stairs and climb with squeals of delight while we come chasing behind her. She is always testing the barricades we put up for weak points and escapes to forbidden zones like the bathroom or the garage or the yard when we are not right next to her. I drop the spoon when I am feeding KB and run behind her screaming, "Oyi....oyi...KG KG KG, no, no no, no stairs" much to KB's delight. He just loves it when she is up to some mischief and I run and stop her.


DhaDHa is how she calls her brother. She came up with it on her own. That he is DHaDHa. She stresses on the DH and screams loudly for him when she hears his voice on the monitor downstairs as soon as he wakes up. She is usually awake an hour before him and is downstairs with B. Her eyes twinkle with delight when she sees him in the morning or when B comes back from work. She shows her love for people in the most expressive and outright manner. She squeals so loudly as if to welcome them. She loves playing with KB and pulling his hair and laughs with innocent abandon that makes my heart feel so full with joy. She fights with him like an equal when she wants what he has in hand. Which is usually all that she wants. The moment he loses interest, she does too. She is very aware of what his things are it seems like. If she sees his hat, she crawls to him and gives it to him. She stands freely and cruises holding on to furniture. She took one step a couple of times but has not walked yet.


She recognizes some tunes - especially "Twinkle twinkle little star". If she is eating and suddenly she hears that tune on one of KB's toys, she starts swaying her head side to side. She loves to imitate my facial expressions. If I smile and close my mouth and again smile and repeat that really fast, she does the same thing really fast. She loves fake coughs. If I notice her coughing, she gives me a smile and gives me fake coughs again and again. She loves to hide in the school bus tent and play peekaboo. After a long day when she is ready for bed, even if I am cooking or sitting at the high chair feeding KB she just drops what she is doing and comes and clings to my legs. Her silent and calm communication at that moment just makes me feel so at peace. The feeling that she knows to communicate with me knowing that I will understand her need at that moment. KB is most gracious at such times (when B is not home) and doesn't mind the interruption to his feeding. I take her upstairs and change her diaper, turn down the blinds, turn on the music and leave her in her crib. And off she goes to sleep.


I am glad to have been blessed with a daughter and like my sister wrote to me, I can already feel how special this relationship is going to be. Like different ragas, they both bring me joy and delight in their own special ways. I wonder how it was when she was not around for us, for KB, before she came into our lives last year. As I write this, I think of the time when B was trying to convince me that we should go for a second child. Providence was on my side and I am so thankful that I didn't stick to my original refusal to go for a second. All that I have had to give up for the sake of having KG, I would do so again if I had to. She really does make the family feel complete. Knock on wood. God please keep them both healthy, happy and safe.


Edited to add: I was giving KB his dinner this evening when she came and stood next to me looking at KB. As if to give me a gift on her birthday, she turned towards B who had just come back from work and took her first steps. She herself looked thrilled at her feat! Just two steps a couple of times and that was our sneak preview into her next big milestone!

Getting the story out...

I sit in our cozy office room that gets converted into the nap room for KB as I write my posts each time. He sleeps on a fold out couch so I can be near him since he is a restless sleeper. If I pat him when he is restless, he just goes back to sleep so he gets a good couple of hours to nap. KG sleeps in her crib in our master bedroom. In the comfort of a cool room I sit and wander into the lives of others through their blog posts. I often have comments and responses composed in my mind as I read along - be it their posts or email to a group list. I sometimes get to write it down. At other times, I just let it pass since many others have already commented or responded already.

There is a feeling of camaraderie even without overt communication between all of us in the written medium when you read tales about people. At the end of it, at some level, we feel a common bond. Universal emotions that we all relate to. I suppose it is this feeling that makes it worthwhile to communicate a story to the rest of the world. That the reader will feel possibly enlightened and will relate to the words in your story.

A few days back, I sat down to eat my dinner after the rest of the family had had theirs. I picked up a recent issue of National Geographic to read as I ate my food. As I read the story about "The Sahel", I found myself in awe of the dedication of some journalists who are willing to put their lives at stake in order to get the story out to us. Not just the journalists but the entire coterie that works on a story - the translator, the photographer, the driver, every one of them. It is one thing to work on a story when you know you are going back to the comfort of your own home at the end of the day. But to willingly go into dangerous territory just because the people there deserve to have their story heard by the rest of the world is commendable. You can see the passion and dedication of the journalist shining through in such a story. And when it is about the human condition, you feel it at a deeper level - that universality of some emotions no matter how removed we are culturally.

Each time I think we don't have enough time to read all the articles in National Geographic and may be we should cancel our subscription, I find myself unable to stop it. It is a fantastic magazine that lets you travel to all corners of the world with it's brilliant articles and phenomenal photographs. They choose from nearly 20,000 photos and pick a few shots for every story. I leave you with an interesting excerpt from the story of the Sahel that I read the other day. The interview with the writer, Mr.Salopek was very interesting to read as well - his perspective on life and reporting was so full of wisdom and spoke of someone who had matured from having witnessed the world and having written about it.
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Darfur—Towé village

On our first night in Darfur the gunmen forced Idriss and Daoud into a pickup truck and drove them off into the moonlight. They tortured them out there, tied to a thorn tree for three days. Me they pummeled without enthusiasm inside an abandoned hut in the burned-out village of Towé. Between sessions, I lay trussed on my belly, breathing hard against a dirt floor that smelled of rancid butter. I squinted out a brilliant doorway at two women.

They were planting sorghum in a dry wadi.

The women’s work appeared rudderless. They planted their seeds in lines that wriggled across the field, nudged here and there by whims of conversation. The older woman swerved whenever she told jokes, and her seed rows lurched like cardiograms. She giggled into her hands often, and I decided she must be mad. The younger one was more solemn. She toiled briskly, with a sense of purpose, as if engaged in a race, and her planting was much straighter. A tiny child crawled at her side, trying to eat the seed grain. The women labored like this all day. Then, late in the afternoon, they quarreled, and their plantings veered apart in rancor.

It occurred to me that the women were doing more than growing food. They were sowing their autobiographies.

Sex jokes, village gossip, little wisps of song, rebukes to children—all of it lay scribbled in the eccentric lines of their crops.

Women have been singled out for maximum violence in Darfur. Mass rapes by the janjaweed are systematic and well documented. As part of a Sudanese campaign of ethnic cleansing, women have been burned alive, shot, bayoneted, and dumped down wells. These stories, too, would be recorded in their fields. Lying in the hut, I imagined flying low over the savannas of Darfur and reading the women’s lives inscribed in plots of millet, peanuts, and sorghum. (See that row of melons ending abruptly at midfield? A Fur grandmother dropped her seed bucket and ran at the sound of approaching hoofbeats.)

In Towé the women were Zaghawa seminomads. The laughing one was named Fatim Yousif Zaite. She wasn’t crazy. She was 40, with the burning, clairvoyant gaze of the starving, and a smile that transmitted the innocence of her heart. She brought me gourds of asida, a yellow lentil paste she could hardly afford to share. Once, while untied to eat, I grabbed both her dusty hands in mine. She sprang back in fear.

But I only wanted to thank you, Fatim. You will always be with me. The janjaweed may toss your kids into vats of boiling water as they had done to children in another village, and the Sudanese Air Force may bomb your wretched fields as they had before, killing five of your family members. But for three days in Darfur you were my mother.

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Here's a part of the interview with the writer Paul Salopek:

What goes through your mind now when you're asked about the experience?

You know, I've been asked a lot about the experience, and what I have to tell readers, colleagues, and friends is that what we experienced pales in comparison to what the people of Darfur live with every day they wake up. And in a sense, the experience made us truly Sahelian for about 34 days. We penetrated that bubble of being a journalist-observer and suddenly became participants in our own story. So if you want to look on the bright side, it gave us maybe a little more understanding about the plight of the people of the Sahel that we otherwise would not have had.

You became, as you say, truly Sahelian for 34 days. Given this experience, how do you think that people in these war zones exist in this constant state of fear and uncertainty?

I think the answer is simply because there's no alternative. You survive. And what it tells me is that we're tough—as a species we're tough. Men, women, children come out of these experiences scarred, often, but in some ways stronger. They use muscles that we all have, but that we who live in the peaceful corners of the world don't even realize we have and that we rarely use. But they're there. And if this had happened in North America, or if it happened as it did in Europe not so long ago, people do survive through the horrors, and I think that's a good lesson to take away.

So why place yourself at risk, given the increasing level of danger?

The risk of danger in covering war is the risk of being captured, being wounded or being killed—like a soldier, like a combatant. It has a very interesting clarifying effect on the reasons for why you do what you do, and you do have to ask yourself, Why am I doing this?

My answer is twofold. It's for the people who I cover whose stories I feel are not getting out, and to bear witness to darker corners of the world that the rest of the world chooses, for a variety of reasons, to avert its gaze from. And it's also for my readers, to be the vehicle for conveying that information as objectively as possible. I am not an activist—I am a journalist, a reporter. The moment I start taking on one cause or another and become an activist, that puts me in even more danger. So the only shred, the only fig leaf of protection that I have is the tiny claim to the man whose finger is on the trigger that I will be neutral.

So I do it for my readers, and I do it for my sources, who are ordinary people on both ends. I don't write for policymakers. I don't write for the people inside the beltway in Washington. I write for plumbers in Indiana and schoolteachers in California—the ordinary bloke on the street. And those are the kind of people that I cover too. I don't cover politicians, I don't cover kings or presidents. I cover people who live in huts or who live in houses or shantytowns, or who partake of the most common lifestyle in Africa, which is often pretty poor but on many levels very, very rich. Sometimes when I go to a fisherman's village in Nigeria, even though he's financially very poor, his family life is wonderful, and it's our task to convey all of that in its entirety and not just focus on the bad.

Aaaargh one moment...awwn the next...

I wanted to write a post or at least mail a bunch of my blog pals about how frustrated I was feeling about the last few days. I was annoyed enough to tell people not** to respond back with the word "Phase". I didn't want to hear it. KB had suddenly gotten into this weird mode of crying loudly for the strangest of things. For about 5 days. Just out of the blue one afternoon, when I casually went in to shower, he just started crying. Like he was worried that I would disappear. I thought it was a one time thing. That evening, I went into the bathroom, that's it, he dropped what he was doing, followed me, stayed outside the door and cried his guts out. Later we were heading out to the park. My father-in-law was coming with us too. I buckled up the kids in their car seats and my FIL sat in the front and I went into the house for about 30 seconds to get something. And KB was crying so much in those few seconds. I could not move away from him. He did that a couple of times with B too. I just felt like tearing my hair apart and running far away from my children. KG who is normally a good eater has now started being impossible mainly during lunch time. She just does not want any rice of vegetables. Cereal with fruit, she is OK with. But rice with veggies, she literally grabs the spoon tight and tips the food down and examines her hand. She cries (no tears) loudly if I insist on feeding her beyond that.
You can imagine my anger considering all of this, especially KB"s sudden crying bouts went on for over five days. Few nights back I lamented to B, "I gave up my career to spend time taking care of my children and at the end of the day, I felt KB may have been better off in day care from 3m on".

And for no reason all this changed last afternoon. He doesn't care if I go to the restroom or shower. No crying. He has been so patient if while I am giving him his lunch, I need to run upstairs to change KG's diaper. He waits patiently and then continues eating. I just don't get it - just too random. But my theory is that he probably needed more food but just didn't want to eat more...or he is now sensing that when people like my brother visit they favor KG a little more. And that probably has made him feel the competition more now. He being the gentle kid will not take it out on KG but will cry himself and take it out on me without even realizing it. All this is my random child psychology.

In any case, just a little while back KB said "Good night" to me and went to bed. As is the routine, B carried him upstairs and KB was leaning on B's shoulders. Legs on either side. I felt sad that I had even fought and showed so much anger towards this sweet little child the last few days. He was leaning so innocently on B's shoulders and reminded me of how much he needs us for his sense of comfort and security.

This afternoon, while I was getting my bagel toasted during lunch time, I left KG inside the graco play yard. She is left in it only for about five minutes usually when I need to do take KB to the bathroom - since she immediately comes crawling into the bathroom. I had just taken KB to the potty and got him cleaned up. I figured while she is in there, I will get my bagel toasted and then come and sit with the kids while I ate it. KB walked to the play pen and entertained KG while I was in the kitchen. I just came to see what they were up to when I heard chuckles and gurgles of laughter from KG. She would put her hand on the mesh and KB would ram his head gently on her hand saying "tucku tukku" and she would laugh. They went about doing this for nearly 20 minutes. She just laughed and laughed at what KB was doing. If I did the same thing, she didn't care for it. It was just delightful to watch their carefree interaction. At that moment, they were a team, I was just a witness. It was beautiful. That two children can feel that kind of connection, bond and liberty and play with each other and entertain each other so nicely. These are the kinds of moments that make up for the down swings I go through when I think of the uncertainty ahead of me in my career path. You cannot expect these spontaneous moments to necessarily happen when you have free time. But when it happens, it feels good to be present. For they will be children only once. This is not to question or judge any one's personal choice. I am writing about how good it feels to be able to ride up with your children during their best moments when you go through every bit of their difficult moments too with them. I feel thankful during such moments that I am blessed to be able to spend my time in their company relishing their childhood. I am partly writing this down for myself to read when I feel upset and down about how I am constantly tending to children or attending to domestic chores. And this is for those of you who are in the brink of quitting - that the rewards are going to be very intangible, it depends on you to put a price on it. It is exhilarating, magical and fleeting - the good moments with your children when you stay home with them during their early years. A lot of work, a lot of patience but the rewards are to be etched in memory! Or well, in your blog!

I am still here...

Sorry folks for not having updated in a while. Bunch of people have emailed me asking me about KB and in general what the news is at my end. About KB - referral for the derm not here yet. His regular pede says most likely they will not even ask for a biopsy when they examine his birth mark. Just that the doctor who asked me to check it out is not his usual pede and she might have just been cautious. In some ways, I have forgotten about this even. Just one of things that need to be done whenever I get the referral for the derm.

KG is a handful - she is turning one on June.17 - will try to do an update on her sometime. But she is all over the place, puts things in her mouth before we can even blink and purses her lips tight when we try to pry it out...KB still takes a long time to eat even if it has gotten better. So when I feed KB it is quite an effort on some days when she won't sit in any one zone for longer than five minutes. I have to get up and run behind her, put her in a safe spot away from the stairs and resume feeding KB. In the meanwhile somehow try and finish the cooking before that window of time when I can take both kids out for a walk or to the park and then come back and get started on lunch time routines...

Memorial day weekend was spent mostly at home relaxing. My older brother visited us and he dotes on the kids. He has one son who is now quite grown up - so he is thoroughly enjoying my children whenever he visits. Especially KG. She is a charmer with her chubby cheeks and bubbly spirit and she has much less stranger anxiety than KB used to at her age. So my brother was thrilled that she came to him very easily and just stuck to him all weekend (or he to her!). She used to wake him up in the morning by snuggling up to his face (we held her on his back). He just loved waking up to her face every morning that he was here. Reminded me of the times when I was in graduate school and used to visit my sister for X-mas holidays. I used to watch movies or be on the phone and go to bed late and wake up late the next morning. My sister used to send my niece, who was a little girl then, to wake me up and it was such a treat to wake up to her bright smile and sweet voice saying "Wake up Noon Chithi, Wake up". And I used to pull my comforter on my face and she would play around with me by calling out for me again and again.
I used to tell my sister to not come herself but send my niece to wake me up. I used to wait until my niece was up even if I was awake before her.

My sister too visited us over the weekend for a few hours. She (unlike my brother!) dotes on both kids equally. KB is very attached to her and had a great time playing with a remote control car that she had brought along for him. All of us went in two cars to the local park that evening. The weather was gorgeous with plenty of white clouds and birds chirping and kids running around in the park. KB now goes on the small slide "ulta" (reverse) and then climbs a ladder to get on the big curvy slide. That is his latest fancy in the slide area of the park. We had a great time at the park. I had to do a ton of cooking since there were so many people visiting over the weekend (B's cousin also visited us with her parents last evening) - but it was overall a lot of fun.

KG is refusing to nap regularly and it is driving me nuts. One day she is totally fine and drifts off to sleep as soon as I leave her in the crib. And just when I think, "Oh good, things are in order", my dear brother comes and holds her or runs around with her all the time. She is now used to that and brother has left. This rowdy KB now expects me to hold her and take her out at the slightest whimper to play with the leaves and watch the birds in the sky! If you are an aunt or an uncle and think "Oh kids are so much fun, I want to have five of 'em", beware - it is just a trap. You play and pamper and cuddle and squeeze you little niece or nephew and drop a crying bundle on the poor mother and go away with your friends - when you are an aunt or an uncle. Beware, you become a parent and you are the one left with a cranky little one when the doting aunt or uncle leaves after a few days of making merry!

When your siblings come and visit you during the holidays and spend time playing with your children, you just want to say a special thanks to your parents for giving you siblings in the first place. It is such a good feeling to see your siblings shower their love on your children. I just hope KB and KG are there for each other and their children and have the good fortune of physical proximity too - hope they are not in two different countries! But who knows with amazing advancements in technology, it may not even matter if they are in two different planets!

Health matters most...

As a parent you ride the tide and go up and feel the exhilaration when your child is in good health, looks happy and does things that fill you with pride and joy...and ride the lows and feel the pain of difficult days when your child seems to treat you like an enemy, when you only feel anger towards the child...and on some days the lows come with a feeling of unbearable love and a sense of helplessness when your child is sick and you wish you could just physically take the pain unto yourself.

I often wonder about parents who cope with real illness for their child. Serious debilitating or sometimes fatal illness. I have written about such people in this post. I support St.Jude because parents who cannot pay for the treatment can also seek refuge and find hope in getting treatment for their child at that hospital. I cannot imagine how horrible it must be for parents who have to suffer the pain of first seeing their child sick with cancer and on top of it not be able to afford treatment. It must be the worst kind of pain to feel that helpless.

Although I always feel truly and most sincerely for them, it is still something that happened to someone else. Today I came a teeny bit close to experiencing what the kind of horror must feel like.

KB has been throwing up since Friday. On Friday I just thought it was the combination of cheese and yogurt soon after that messed up his stomach. On Sat night, he just threw up suddenly after dinner - even then I thought he was just not chewing properly and just got it all out. But yesterday, he threw up his lunch, dinner and night time milk. Gushed out. Lunch time he threw up only a little. Dinner again he was refusing to eat well - I got really stressed out and told him that he was not being nice to mamma and was being so difficult and refusing to eat. He ate a few spoons for my sake but didn't even want yogurt which he normally likes. So I just gave up and let him go. Night, I gave him his milk and even before he finished it, he got it all out all over himself, me and on the couch. Thankfully B was home since it was Sunday night, so he took care of giving KB a bath to clean him up and I took care of the other clean up.

I took him to the doctor today while B worked from home those couple of hours to be with KG while she napped in the morning. The doctor who checked him is not our usual pediatrician but the doc who was available in that group with a morning appointment. KB behaved so well and allowed the doctor to check him without crying or resisting like he used to last year. She said he has the stomach bug and that he will be OK in a few days. This pediatrician looked at his birth mark - a little blotch of black - near his navel and asked me if his regular pediatrician was aware of it. I told her he knew of it but had not checked it since KB's two year check up. She casually said "Well, then you should take him to the dermatologist since I see spots on the mole and they will do a little biopsy to make sure it doesn't lead to anything else".
I was too tired from all the work I had the last two days to even react to what she said.

As I was driving back home and I saw KB looking very weak from not having any real food for a while I suddenly thought about what she said. "Biopsy" is the only word that kept coming to mind. The first time that I have had to even come near this term in real life. Not terms used in my textbook. I still am writing this in the confidence that it will all be OK - just a routine thing to do to be cautious. Yet if I think with my heart and I look at my dear sweet gentle KB and think of even this little word and the horrors that it has brought to some people all in the same breath - I just choke up with tears. I cannot think any further. I still don't. I am writing under the assumption it will be, it HAS to be OK. Nothing can be wrong. I feel so sorry for having made him feel bad for not eating his food last night. In the pettiness of every day life and the aggravations that I face with some people, I suddenly think to myself, I just want the kids and husband to be healthy and safe. Nothing else matters. I talk about my family but I really mean it for all who I am close to. And pretty much for every one. Good health is the bottom line. The first priority in my prayers. Keep them in good health.

It will probably be a week or so before we get the referral and get to take KB to a dermatologist. But I am going to assume all will be OK and that we just need to go through the routine exam for children who have such birth marks. But that one word biopsy brought me a little closer to understanding what the parents of children who have cancer must be going through. To see their world collapse in front of them at the dreaded C word being mentioned in the biopsy result. I shudder at the thought. I salute their courage and I pray for their good health and for my children.

Potty training - one month. What works...sort of!

Things never happen as planned when it comes to kids. I had decided originally that I would start potty training KB when he turned 27m old. But at that time KG was only five months old, it was the beginning of winter, I had a bunch of flight trips coming up, my mother had left – I just didn’t feel ready for it. So I just let it be. I figured I would wait till it warmed up and my trips were done with. But I had a line of guests visiting us every weekend almost…and I had two weekends without guests after which my FIL was coming to stay with us. This was last month. I figured I just had to start the dreaded training that weekend and have at least two weekends before my FIL arrived. I figured any change in routine will make it that much harder once he came. So when KB turned 32m old, I started his potty training. I decided to go the “all out” route (meaning no diapers or pull ups) rather than step by step because I was afraid that if the training dragged on for months bit by bit, I would find it really hard what with the increase in cooking (since FIL is diabetic and has to have proper healthy meals on time unlike us who would just eat what ever!) and having to take care of both kids by myself.

I am writing down what I did in some random order – it has worked reasonably well for the most part. Will write down problem situations at the end of this post. But I think one key thing is that the parents have to be ready for this mentally too for it to work well and also you have to judge when the child is somewhat ready for it. In my case, I felt KB was ready for it because I took him to tour his school and he has to be potty trained to join that school. He loved it so much and when I told him he needs to be potty trained that became his incentive instantly. No stickers needed. Just the mention of W school each time he talked about learning to use the potty…

Anyways – here it goes – what worked for me for potty training KB. (Note, this is not for parents in India who potty train their kids the moment they start walking! Or even before that! :) )I am not saying it is totally done – but it is not as bad as I expected it to be – KNOCK ON WOOD LOUDLY!!! Lest he regress! J This is a list I made for my friend who wanted me to send her tips to potty train her son. Figured it might help others too – so here it is.

- Allocate three full days straight for the initial training. No outings planned – except very local ones – say walk down the road to the park.

- With KB I took him to the potty even before that – first I got him used to flushing – which all kids enjoy. Next I used to take him to the potty after his poop session while he was still on diapers - but I used to wipe him off there and make him flush.

- I got him “The first years” potty ring with a handle – handle makes them feel secure initially. Now he doesn’t use a potty ring – only two weeks – they will get used to it. Con about the ring – it is not wide enough of a hole in my opinion.

Oh BTW – don’t get a potty chair etc - pain in the neck IMO. Just go straight to the potty with a potty ring. Too much of a pain to clean up if you use the potty chair etc.

- I got him “Elmo can use the potty” (since he loves Elmo) and “It’s potty time” books. He got used to reading about it and thinking about it.

- I took him to Target and made him pick his underpants. NO training pants or pull-ups. I think it works – to not give them that option at all. More accidents may be – but still worth sticking to it I think. Lucky for me – they had Elmo underpants. So I made a big deal of how he is now a big boy and just like Elmo from the book he too will be wearing big kid underpants.

- I bought FIVE of the 7 pack of underpants. We needed about 21 changes the first day! J

- What ever incentive you think will work - use it. Candy for some kids, stickers etc may work well. But incentives do help. As I said in KB’s case, he was enamored with the idea of school (since he doesn’t go to day care or preschool yet) – so that was his incentive. Each time he sat on it and “went”, he would say, “Now I can go to W school”.

- Prepped KB big time the previous two days saying in excited tones “Wow – no more diapers for KB since he is going to be a big boy” etc…and next morn after his milk – just took him off diapers. Pretty much emptied out his diaper drawer! J Expect him to just go where ever. But hopefully you can catch him in time at least for No 2. God hope! Thank fully – GOD please – so far escaped that gross mess. But hopefully you know his schedule and you can catch him before No 2. But he will surely have plenty of No 1 accidents the first day. So have mop cloth ready. Also BUY some plastic sheet – I got plastic tablecloth – to put under his bed sheet.

- Give him lot of fluids the first day so he gets a lot of opportunities to go sit in the potty…take him to the potty as often as he permits…every time he makes a mess you still take him and run to the potty and say he needs to tell you before he has to go.

- Don’t give him the diaper option – day or night. It helps really in developing that sense of control.

- Another KEY thing – you have to either stop nighttime milk or give it a whole hour at least BEFORE his bedtime. If not you will have to take him to pee at around 11.00 pm. But do it. For me, this was the big challenge. I take KB out every evening. Come back, make dinner and around 8.30, used to give him dinner and then around 10.00 pm his milk, change his diaper and he would go to bed. But now I have to give him dinner by 7.30 pm (I have to give KG her meal at 6.30pm which gives me very little time to cook our meals) – so that he will finish by 8.15 pm, have his milk by 9.15 pm at least and then go to bed at 10.15 pm. Just before bedtime I make him use the potty and then go to bed. But these days he just wakes up around midnight if he wants to pee and we take him to the potty. He is not happy about getting up, but he does it anyway. Same for naps – I just give him his lunch and about 45 min later, I make him pee and then go for his nap. He manages to keep it dry and goes when he wakes up.

Problem situations:

Day one – he had many No 1 accidents. He still managed to tell us for No 2 thank heavens.

Day two – much fewer accidents. Surprisingly he was dry until morning (because I gave him his night milk nearly 2h before bed time the first two nights). Couple of nights, he was dry till about 5.30 am but around 7.00 am he was little wet – not fully though. But after those first few days, so far it’s been dry till morning (since we manage to take him when he cries a little in the middle of the night because he feels like going – the whole thing takes about 5 minutes).

I still have a hard time mainly when he is playing in the playground at the park. Especially on colder evenings. He is so engrossed in play that he tries to control himself as much as possible. Each time I ask him, he just says, “Already done”!

And when he cannot control anymore, he comes running to me and says “I need to go” and by the time I put KG back in her stroller and run with them both to the restroom (since I cannot leave her alone unless I go with another friend to the park), it is a little late. I just carry a pair of change clothes and change him there. He is not dripping wet, just a little wet from the delay. So I just clean him up and change him there. Am hoping this will resolve in a couple of months so he develops full control. I don’t know how he will manage in school. I still help him with getting on the potty and also with wiping. But I figured I would make him do everything start to finish once he develops some more bladder control. Until then I just help him out. He enjoys flushing and the ceremony of soaping his hands until there are a lot of bubbles and drying his hands etc. Praying that he will continue to be good (some people say they can suddenly regress as well – hope that doesn’t happen!) and also hope the playground situation gets easier.

Will stop here – if these tips help anyone, do let me know – just so I can feel good that it was worth writing it down! J

One hundred....

This is my 100'th post. I have written more than 100, but I deleted many old posts - but of the ones that I did save, this is my 100th. I just read Kodi's mom's absolutely lovely 200th post and feel enveloped in the warmth of her words. What started as just a passing thing in order to post comments on my niece's blog, slowly took shape into occasional posts from me and now an every day activity - blog time. Reading my favorite blogs and leaving comments. Lurking at other times. Writing every now and then. I would like to write more often but it is a lot of fun to read what other write and leave comments for them.

I think of how my blog time has become so much a part of my every day routine...I never quite thought I would make any friends in this blog world. I wrote my first post when KB was 10m old. Now my second child KG is 10m old! Hard to believe that the people I came to know in the blog world, I have known for quite a long time now. MM, Tharini, Rohini...people who have visited my site since then and who I have continued to read till date....

After being a part of this wonderful online shower where the back stage fun and email exchanges were enormous, you feel like you are actually back in college...those carefree days where banter, fun and frolic happened so easily without much context.

I have made a few really nice friends too in the process of blogging. It feels good in the midst of the isolation I often feel being a SAHM - which is a separate post in itself - one that I have composed in my mind many times but never could coherently put forth in writing.

When ever there is a celebration of some anniversary or birthday, one tends to quickly reminisce on the past years or some events leading up to that in a flash of few seconds. While I think of the two years (and only 100 posts I know!) I have been blogging, random posts come to mind. The fun post from Poppins mom on how she imagined each blogger to be like a certain actress, the post from madmomma which I think about often when I tell B that the day will come when I have to really let go of KB, not when he goes to preschool but much later, the spiritual parenting post from Tharini, the random comments and fun we had in the "our song" tag over at Kodi's, some hilarious posts from Terri's, like this one, which made me laugh loudly and feel so good for those few minutes, some posts like this one from Kiran which make me realize how I have grown so attached to the kids I read about, the joy I feel at their successes, posts like that which also make me feel inspired as a mother...the arguments that tend to happen over our view points which we are able to set aside and continue our friendly comments...I could go on and on since so many posts come to mind every now and then in different contexts....

The friendships I have formed with a few people in the blog world has been such a source of comfort - when I sit down at night after a long tiring day, to see a meaningful conversation as part of an email from a blogger friend, some phone conversations that I had with a few blogger friends where I could chat like we have known each other for a long time....it livens up a sagging spirit on some days. Thank you, my dear blog friends for that! The cynic in me sometime wonders if the same feeling will remain when we do meet up, if somehow there will be a lack of conversation...the kind of random thoughts I used to have when I was introduced to "potential" candidates for marriage by my parents. And it is probably a reflection of my personality, but I always think the other person must have a different image of me and will be let down when they do meet me in person! Well, I should stop here before I really totally ruin my image!

Signing off my 100th post with a feeling of nostalgia over the two years...a feeling of happiness and feel good after reading Kodi's 200th post which reminded me of how words can make connections and spread cheer even if a tangible hand cannot be felt over the virtual medium!

Riddle-me-Ree, Who can she be?

Greetings wonderful MTBs!!!

and good work to all of you!

For having solved the riddle before

I give you all this clue.

The letter " P "

Write it down, add it on...

And let’s move on to the next little song.

“Her name means night

The travails of parenthood she doeth write

Her blog is about her two tots

That drive her up the wall

She plays, she colors, she shares their glee

Just how much more cosier can it be?

Who is she?”

Solve it and you get your lead

Misguess, and you lose your speed

Solve it slow but solve it now

And before you go, take a little bow

Go to 'Comments' and leave me a clue

Tell me which blog you are off to.

Good luck! Good luck! Be on your way.

You have your work, cut out for the day!

Hours of fun with a $3.00 toy!

KB has usually been good about actually making use of a lot of his toys and playing with them. At least it made me feel a little better that money (and batteries!) didn't go entirely waste. For example, he has played a lot with this "Alphabet pal" toy. He still enjoys the tunes for the different letters. The other day, KG while crawling and stopping suddenly to examine some unexpected treasure in her path kept thumping her feet on the caterpillar legs of this toy randomly. I was giving KG his lunch and his eyes suddenly lit up as if he heard a favorite song again after a long time. Every time her feet randomly hit a key, he would say "P - pop goes the weasel" or "X" or whatever alphabet that tune stood for. I bring some of his baby toys back from the garage every now and then for KG to enjoy and KB in fact seems to enjoy it just as much. Return to babyhood! :)

The one "toy" which has been a super hit of late (well, besides the ball which he loves to play with in different ways) - three dollars worth of balloons in different colors. He just loves balloons! He likes to run behind a bunch of balloons and kick it up before it hits the ground. The latest and more interesting way in which he plays with the balloon is to make one of us blow the balloon but not tie it after that. We just hand it over him and he pretends like it is a rocket or just says it with the same gusto as a take off, "One, two, three....Re...lease the balloon! Whooosh!". Because of the air that is getting expelled, the balloon just randomly flies around like a little jet plane! It is actually great fun to watch even for us adults.

The other thing he does with the balloon is to spin it on the floor and see how much he is able to spin it. What happened by chance when B blew his balloon for him has now turned into another little game for him. When B was handing over his balloon to KB (for the grand release) the released air pushed his little car on it's own. So now, KB brings different objects to us - his little diesel truck, his Thomas Train, why, even his big ride on train and asks us to blow air into the balloon and he releases it behind one of these objects to see if it moves! He has been playing these balloon games nearly every day now for the last two weeks! It seems to be going strong. My brother visited us this weekend and of course was roped into blowing balloons soon after he came! Well, our lung capacity will improve pretty soon! I will be glad if more such three buck toys provide hours and hours of making merry!

Recipe time...

Gobi Gravy Curry

Thanks to the enthusiastic response I got the last time I posted a recipe - I feel like sharing another recipe. This time I wanted to share it because I randomly threw in a few things since I wanted some gravy dish fast to eat with frozen naan and it turned out to be really tasty. By the way, Deep Tandoori Naan is really good and is not too oily.

So here's the recipe.

One Cauliflower – cut into florets

Tomatoes – vine ripened – 2 , chopped into small pieces

Onions – 2 chopped fine
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Heat about 2 table spoons of oil in a pan.

- Jeera - 1 teaspoon
- Fennel seeds - 1 teaspoon
Add both to the oil when it is hot.
(Ginger/garlic optional at this point)

- Add the onions

- Saute for a minute or two and then add the tomatoes and the gobi florets.

- Add a quarter cup of water and cover the pan and cook on medium until florets are cooked.

- Add salt and chilli powder, Dhania jeera powder (if you have it handy), some coriander (chopped a little). I also added cooked double beans for a starchy flavor in the gravy. Cook on low for another five minutes.

It is really tasty and you can make this dish reasonably fast.
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As I dream of my son becoming a...

really good carnatic music vocalist, I see the Gods lining up against me and having their share of fun. KB loves music - like all children love music when exposed to it, he does too. He used to bring me CDs from our CD rack and ask me to play particular CDs that he chose for that moment. But for the last couple of months or so, he has learned to open up the CD case carefully, insert his index finger in the center of the CD and put in a new CD very carefully without touching the edges of the CD. So now I feel safe in telling him to just pick a CD and put it in himself.

And there lies the problem too. He decides what CD and puts it in himself - but this choice never includes carnatic music! I see that the more I pine to see my son, who seems to have keen music sense, showing promise of being a good singer, more likely it is that he will probably go completely in the western track and only that. Or may be he is just teasing me - which is very likely knowing him. He can identify a ton of CDs by their case now. He opens his eyes bright and wide and says "Mamma, am going to play Thelesio Monk" (for Thelonious Monk). That CD gets over and he keeps track of it while doing something else and tells me "CD mudinj peth" (CD over). He runs back to the CD rack and brings "The Moody blues" and turns that on. That's done and he brings "Tchaikovsky". And then "Leonard Cohen" his ultimate favorite. I hear him hum "Every body knows that the dice are loaded". He talks to his Periamma and sings this to her!

After a round of random selections of all non carnatic music CDs by him, I tell him hopelessly, "KB please can you play mamma's favorite CD - kurai onrum illai"? He looks at me like he is the older one looking at a child and says "Yen daa kurai onrum illai'ye poda maatengre?" (Why don't you want to put "Kurai Onrum Illai" CD?). And then says, "Mamma sad". I tell him, "Amam Kanna...Mamma very sad. Can you pleaaase put Kurain onrum illai? Mamma is very sad that you don't play it". He pauses. Looks at me intently for a second. And says "Mamma Mamma don't be sad...I'll give mamma a hug".

KB runs to me and hugs my legs while I continue cutting vegetables.

"KB so are you going to put Kurai onrum illai now?"

"Noooouu....I am going to put "Dire Straits".

Save for the fact that he really enjoys carnatic music when I sing it to him, I would have completely given up all hope of him singing it for me. I enjoy all the other music, but if I dream of him singing for me, I dream of him singing carnatic music, not playing electric guitar for me. Don't live your dreams through your children, Noon, I tell myself. I think to myself "Well, at least he loves music as much as I do...thank God for that". After nearly two months of this sort of discussion between me and KB, this morning he very decidedly went to the CD rack, picked up a CD and went and played it. It looks like he does like to tease me. He did not play "Kurai Onrum Illai" after all. But I was over joyed to hear M.S.Subbulakshmi singing "Mudakaratha modakam". Again this is a song he knows quite well because I sing it to him very often. Well, at least he finally gave in and played one carnatic CD for me after all these days! I can't tell you how happy I was at this trivial thing he did for me!

To bed at 7.30pm

There is something about the moment when I take KG to her crib and put her in there for the night. Especially now that it is spring and the days are longer, it is still somewhat bright at 7.30pm when I take her in for her bed time. Sometimes a little earlier than that, sometimes a little later than that.

Downstairs KB will be busy bouncing his blue ball or changing CDs in the CD player. And there will be some music or the other playing. Until that time KG would have been playing downstairs and trying to grab any toy that KB was playing with...crawling around to visit me in the kitchen or poke at some interesting object on her way and stop right there. Suddenly her bedtime will come and I see her looking more subdued. A few minutes later, she rubs her eyes and looks obviously sleepy. I take her upstairs to her crib, turn on the lullabies CD, turn down the blinds and make her cozy under her blankets. There is something about that moment that I find so pure, so baby like. No matter what fun activity is happening downstairs, when it is her bedtime, much earlier than any of ours, she is ready to sleep. There is something tranquil about her being able to do that. To have her own schedule, to detach herself from the rest of the world at that moment and sleep peacefully. With the piano lullabies playing softly, in the dim light seeping through crevices in the windows, there is a feeling of peace when I put her in the crib. In that fleeting moment I feel a sense of bliss. As she pulls her legs forward ,lifts her back up, curls into a ball and puts her thumb in her mouth and drifts off to sleep, I feel as if I am observing something very special at that moment. I cherish now every such moment with my little baby - even more so than I did with KB - because I know this is it - our times with our children as babies.

Each day forward there is the excitement of the new, their new milestones and seeing them grow. But each passing day also means one step closer to our having to let go of them. Our little babies who are now ours totally, whole heartedly, unconditionally, will become individuals in their own right and we will be a subset in their world but not be their entire world like it is now. The loss of their innocence and the beauty of their growth intermingle in making this time sweet and heart breaking at the same time. Despite the aggravations of every day life, managing the work, dealing with people etc, I cherish this time - seeing the two children grow, interact and truly live in the moment.

Thoughtless...

Sometimes people make remarks thoughtlessly...randomly. And leaves you with a bad taste that takes a while to shake off of your system each time you see that person.

The other day a friend walked in as I was feeding KG. I make KG sit in her bouncer in order to feed her - that is pretty much the only time she is put on the bouncer. This friend really likes KG (and very obviously favors her over KB - which makes me feel bad - but I do think she is not obliged to like them both equally). She walked in , dropped off something and ran into the house quickly to give a hug for KG. She told me how KG reminds her of her own daughter when she was a baby like KG. And then added this. "But you know L (her daughter) was so active, she would never sit in the bouncer like this". A very casual remark. But something very distasteful in my opinion. And this is not the first time she has said something of this nature. She made a similar remark about KB in comparison with her son. "Look at KB - if you put him in one place, he sits there. Whereas if you put my son in one place he will just keep running around...he is too active". I just don't respond to remarks like these. For one, I feel too petty to defend my children against such nonsensical remarks and I also cannot stand the strain that comes from such sharp exchanges had I retorted. But when it happens more than once, you somehow feel less inclined to ignore it. I would not even dream of making such remarks about her children. She is a nice person in many ways, but it comes as a package deal - the comparisons and remarks such as these. I just wish people would think a little more before making such remarks.

Another remark of a similar vein made by yet another person who visited my place. She saw a photo collage and said "Oh this is KB's photo?". I said yes.
"Oh wow - he looks nice in this picture - I mean his c.o.l.o.r" She spelled it out. Like it is some taboo word. I just don't know how to respond to a remark like that. Do I say, he looks nice even now? or what's wrong with his c.o.l.o.r now? That would make it look like I actually care about his being "fair" like he did in that picture...I really don't even notice such things. I just don't get how people in this day and age can point to a picture and say he looked nice because he looked fairer in that picture and that he has become darker now! I mean to say this to my face on top of it! I just don't get it at all!

Ok, enough ranting. Time to go to bed.

Preschool search - II

I registered at Montessori C - end of last post.

One of my sisters is a CPA who works for a children's NGO and as part of her work she evaluates preschools for allocating funding. At some point in her career she wanted to quit her CPA profession and go into teaching kids. So she got a Master's degree in education and taught fourth and fifth graders in a public school. But they had to move cities at some point and she realized if she wanted to be the kind of very dedicated teacher that she was, she was not having much time for her family in the evenings. So she went back to her accounting profession. She has two children, one now in college and the other in high school, both really sweet kids (not so kid anymore) and very smart and doing very well in school. Why do I bring this all up? Well, my sister from her experience as a teacher and a parent has very strong, let's say - sure - views on this whole preschool issue.

After registering in Montessori C, I had a niggling feeling that it may not be the perfect choice in terms of the money spent and the time involved in dropping off KB (since it is out of the way for B and a 15 min drive for me). I had toured a neighboring preschool run by a church which had a good reputation. But somehow I just did not feel good about that school. I toured that school a second time with B and when we went, all the preschoolers were sitting in one group in a classroom with the pastor holding some picture and telling them some bible story. I grew up in a school where we were taught a lot of Christian hymns and nearly 90% of the teachers were Christian. It is not that I have a problem with them teaching bible stories - I just did not want so much religious instruction at such an young age. Oh my God, as I write this I realized that I had forgotten to mention this in the minus point for Montessori C as well. They too have some bible lessons every week - except that if KB went MWF for half days, he would miss it for the first year. Only the next year when I put him five days a week, he will have to attend bible study class on Tuesday mornings.

Anyways - I talked to my sister again about my concerns. That I was spending $300 MORE (so you can imagine how expensive - just for 3 half days!) than the regular preschools just because it was a "Montessori" and that the drive itself would take some 35 min each way - door to door getting both kids in and out of the car. She had gone along with my Montessori decision until then. But after seeing that I was not sure if it was necessary to spend so much for age 3, she came on more strongly with her views. In her opinion a)it does not matter at all which type of school they go to at age 3 if it is a nurturing environment b) In fact it does not even matter if they don't "teach" much until they go to Kindergarten because at age five pretty much a lot of children just catch up with each other. She felt very strongly that there was no need to spend that much more for Montessori just because I feel KB will learn more there or because it is supposed to foster the child's creativity by allowing for free play.

I decided to keep Montessori C as a back up option and check out more schools. My neighbor's friend, another Indian woman, had told me about another preschool - also a 15 min drive for me, but on the way to B's work. I decided on a whim to call them up and check it out. The admissions coordinator told me that she could give me a tour right then since the registration process was the next week itself. So I went along with KB and KG (B had already left for work) to tour the school. Let's call this preschool W. I went at the appointed time and as I was trying to enter the gate, another parent was coming out, so I walked in while she held the gate for me. (Will get to why I mention this).

The first thing that struck me was that this school somehow had a completely relaxed and very sunny atmosphere to it. It had a central playground and the class rooms all opened out into this playground. There was a roofed corridor outside the class rooms - it had a bunch of stations - a large bin with colored rice and macroni with a bunch of pots in it, a station with a ton of wheeled toys of all sorts, another station with a table and six chairs and many mini tubs of paint with brushes and paper laid out...the open play area had toy shopping carts, rope ladders, a small rock climbing area, a little covered house area with a little sofa inside where I found a child playing on a toy cash register...

On the other side of the play ground, I saw a "gross motor development" specialist with a bunch of little children running through hoops, hopping into tires laid on the ground and what not. She applauded one child who pushed a hoop down but held it up for the next child to go through and said "Great cooperation, keep it up". She did not put on a stern voice to reprimand that child for pushing the hoop down, instead applauded him for doing things right after that.

The thing that really struck me overall was how happy and at home every child seemed to be there. The classrooms were spacious enough (not huge or small) and had a "pretend play" area with all kinds of dress up clothes and toys (a little girl had put on a "fairy" outfit as I peered into that class room and looked at me cheerfully and smiled), a toy area, a writing area, a craft area and books on low lying shelves.

From what the admissions coordinator described to me, it seemed as if the kids played pretty much all the time. They had more than one hour of play time in the playground outside and in the corridors outside the class room. One hour of in class time where also they played a lot. And some twenty minutes total of circle time. I went to this school just randomly to see what it was like - I just did not expect to like this school as much as I did. KB just did not want to come back home with me - I had to physically pick him up and drag him out and convince him that it was time to go home!
(Only thing though I am sure if he had been allowed in the classroom at Montessori C, he would have done the same thing).

Now to my decision:

- Preschool W is $300 cheaper
- Teacher student ratio is 1:6
- it is NAYCE accredited - which according to my sister is a big deal.
- except for one teacher who is new and has been there for two years, every teacher there has been there for 15 years!
- they do not give time outs. If a child's behavior is disruptive, they are taken to the office and made to "think" about what they did. If it persists, they talk to the parent and work with both the child and the parent to get things in order.
- We managed to get admission for the MWF 9 - 11.30 slot by standing in line well ahead of time and getting our names on top of the list!
- They do not have any religious instruction except for Christian songs during X-mas time.

Concerns about preschool W:

- the second time I toured with my SIL and nephew, I found that I could walk in through the gates without any problem. We peered into the two empty classrooms in front and walked to the other side of the U to enter the director's office. I am not sure if anyone noticed that we had walked in. This still concerns me. I found that there are a few other parents who are not happy with this either but three other parents I talked to love this school so much that they don't even think of this as an issue.

- well, this is not a concern, but more something to contend with. The popular "Indian" parent choice seems to be Montessori that is "academic". I get a little worried as to why I am gravitating more towards this preschool W where they only pretty much play all the time. The teacher reads them a couple of books a day, a music teacher comes once a week, the teacher herself sings songs every day. But there is nothing "academic" about this school. And what ever they do teach for age 3 kids, KB knows quite well already. Colors, shapes, numbers, letters...I mean what more does a three year old has to learn in an "academic" setting - I really am not sure. It makes me a bit nervous if I am making the right choice or not when I talk to a couple of my Indian friends who are very serious about the academic part at preschools. I feel KB will enjoy Montessori and may even learn a lot of different things there that he may not learn in this developmental preschool W. But I feel my goal at least at age three is that he should have fun - what ever basics he needs to know to go to pre-K or KG, he will learn at home anyway. I just don't know if I am missing something when I think about why a lot of other Indian parents don't like this kind of play oriented school. Left to myself, I will be happy if he played played and played all 2.5 hrs that he is there. I want him to learn to be with other kids and have fun interacting with them. There are parents who send their kids to Kumon at age 4, have a phonics teacher help them read at age 3 and it really makes me nervous if KB will be behind compared to these kids at age 5. And then if I pause to think about it, I realize I am just nervous around such parents. When I am in the peace and comfort of my home, I feel this is the kind of school I want for KB at age 3. What I will want for him at age 4 when he will understand a lot more and may actually benefit more from any other interesting things he might learn in a Montessori, I am not sure. But for now this is my choice. Except that the gate issue is really worrying me. I don't have too many options. Two other schools I looked into - one does not have an outdoor playground - forget that. Another home based Montessori - I have not toured it yet - but out of four hours, they only have 20 min of outdoor time. They have* to read a book every weekend and talk about in class every Monday. Too rigid for my taste. As of now I am down to these two options: preschool W and Montessori C.
If I am able to come to terms with the gate issue, I will choose preschool W. If not Montessori C is my only other option as of now.

For the kind ones who managed to read this far, thanks so much! :) I really mean it! I just wrote down my thoughts as fast as I could before the kids woke up!
I welcome and appreciate your comments on this topic!

By the way - both schools require KB to be completely potty trained. Am hoping and praying I should be able to do that by September for sure!

Guests, preschool hunting, sleeping...

Those are some of the reasons why I have not been posting for a while. I have had a bunch of guests - some family, some friends. My sister visited one weekend, my SIL and nephew another. It was a lot of fun but it also meant less time for blogging when they were here. And somehow I have been lazy to write anything. Also some days I feel very sleepy a little earlier than my usual sleep time past midnight...I enjoy reading what others write - and if I do that and also post comments - that's it - I don't have time to write a post. Since I am half asleep by that time.

A lot of posts came to mind - but I just did not get down to writing it. I figured some of those little things you want to write about - you either write it that day or it loses it's punch. Even for yourself. But the preschool search is very much on my mind and I talk about it almost every day to my sister or a friend. A lot of us are going through it now - so will post about it here.

KB will turn three in August'08. Initially I wanted him to start school in March or April of this year. But the one school - let's call it Montessori A - I had toured last year - which is quite popular in this city - had a ridiculously long wait list. They told me he would get an afternoon slot this year. Which meant I would have to drop him at 12.30 and pick him up at 3.30pm. This would mean that he would have to give up his afternoon nap. I did not want that for sure. So that school was out.

I had been so set on this A school when we moved to this city because at least amongst the few Indians who I knew in this city, this school was considered really good. So I was a bit lost when I figured this school was not an option in my mind since they could only give an afternoon slot. Another friend sends her daughter to Montessori B. I had toured that school last year with KB when they had an open house. As soon as KB entered the classroom, he started playing with the marbles and started sorting them into the different colors and put them into the respective bins for each color. He seemed quite at home and enjoyed playing at the different stations they had there. So I assumed he would feel at home there and we went to tour the school this year. We were just shown around the class room this time - we could not go in and see what the kids were doing. It was group walking in the corridor peering into the class room while the director kept talking about the school. I did not get too much out of the tour really. But since my friend's daughter goes there, she could tell me a lot of details about the school. Half an hour of play time first, then back to the class room. Once they are in class, they had part teacher directed activity and part free play - what ever the child wishes to do from all the play stations laid out in the class room. They had snack time for 15 min and after some more class room activity (all totaling about 2 hours), they were allowed to play in the play ground for another half an hour. So about one hour of play ground time and an hour and forty five minutes of class room time.


The plus points of Mont B:

a) KB seems like a Montessori kind of kid in my mind. He likes to tinker around with puzzles or sit quietly transferring water from one container to several smaller ones and have his own elaborate ritual and plan while doing so.

b) Well to put it bluntly - it is a "Indian-approved" kind of school. A lot of Indian parents around here seem to favor Montessori - which I didn't know about. Nearly every Indian parent I know here favors the Montessori system. When I put this in the "plus" list, I only mean that there is not much resistance to your choice - a lot of people think it is a great choice so you may feel like it is indeed a great choice.

c) My friend's daughter who is mild mannered (like KB) goes there. And my friend has no complaints about that school - she really felt her daughter was learning a lot especially after she turned four. According to my friend, she did not learn much at age three but she sees a lot of difference at age four.

d) May be a mixed age group (Age 3 - 5 are in the same class room) will be something KB will enjoy since he likes playing with kids older than him.

Minus points of Montessori B:

a)It costs nearly $300 more than a developmental school in the neighborhood (also considered to be a very good school, except it is not a Montessori)

b) It is not on the way for B to drop KB off in the morning. He has to go the opposite route, drop KB and trek back to the other end to get to work. And it takes about 15 min to reach the school by car.

c) Personally I am not at all sure if KB should go to Montessori at age three at least - spending all that extra money. Also, irrespective of the money spent, I felt KB will quite happily sit in one corner doing some little activity obsessively for a long time and may not even really interact too much with the other kids. My primary goal for sending him to preschool at age 3 is so he will interact more with other kids and engage in a lot of physical play.

After much discussion B and I decided to register KB at this school anyway. Seemed like a safe choice. I paid a fee of $150 for registration and walked out. As I walked out, I met another Indian woman who sends her daughter to that school. She was looking to send her second child (a few months older than KB) to this school. We started talking and she commented, "you know I feel they don't teach much at this school. Kids don't learn too much here. I am looking for some school that is more academic than this school". Now this came as a surprise to me. I thought this school was reputed for being "academic" oriented. But not too much either. I guess each person wants a different thing out of their chosen school. I felt a bit knotted up wondering why I don't feel so strongly that it be "more" academic. I liked the Montessori philosophy and I got the impression that this school had a good balance of "academics" and play. But here she was telling me that the school doesn't teach much etc. Nevertheless, I just decided that I did not care about that/her opinion and that KB would still go to Montessori B.

I will continue this post later. Sleepy for one. The post is lengthy as it is. And I have to write about two more schools. Will do so hopefully this week.

What makes me happy

Kiran tagged me to write down things that make me happy. It's funny that a cheery tag like this can actually send me into melancholic mood...

Because I wonder about what makes me happy and I wonder if the answers are taking a while to come to my mind, if I am not happy now...or is it just that I am sleepy and my brain has turned off?!

I really enjoyed reading Kiran's list. I actually wished I could have written a list like that. To know so clearly that some of those things would make me happy...that would do me good.

Shoes, perfume, bags, a gift from husband (not that it happens often - he assumes now that I don't like what he gives me anyway!), chocolates, mom's cooking...none of those would feature in my list. I used to delight in "Kit Kat" chocolates when I was a kid - it really used to make me happy. My sister used to bring it from the US when she visited and somehow we used to get a stock every few months. Now it means nothing to me. Kind of sad when those simple things don't make you as happy anymore! Well, I love mom's cooking - but I don't know if that's what would make me "happy". On second thoughts, a "thoughtful" gift from husband may make me happy - just because he thought about it and got it! See, I am taking this tag so seriously.

I can think of some moments that made me truly happy. But when it fades into memory, it all seems so fleeting and hard to attain again - it makes me sad again. So I don't even think about it. I tend to thrive on just silly jokes and laugh so hard over nothing and somehow those moments are when I would say I am happy. But yes for the purpose of this tag - there are a few things that do make me happy...

- when I catch up with an old friend and I feel like I spoke to him/her only yesterday...that warm feeling makes me feel happy.

- the other day I was about to go downstairs to make my decaff tea and come back up to the office room (where I use the laptop) after saying "good night" to B. He walked out of our room to get something and somehow we end up talking in hushed tones (so as to not awaken the kids) right there by the stair case and laughed so hard over some silly joke he made...those unexpected moments of laughter just make me really happy. I just thrive on such moments.

- when I receive a nice long hand written letter or even a meaningful, warm email from a friend - who is truly making conversation with me...it really makes me happy.

- There are a few friends with whom I talk and somehow we end up spinning silly jokes - taking off from the other person's last line - just keep spinning on and on and laughing over nothing - it happens every now and then when we talk - I love those kind of conversations. We just laugh and laugh and just enjoy ourselves so much.

- I sometimes randomly make small sketches on pieces of paper (looking at some other sketch and copying it) - occasionally I paint it in color - when they turn out well, it makes me happy.

- When I was pregnant with KB, I could not find maternity clothes that fell nicely on me - especially the sun dresses. So I got myself a sewing machine and bought a couple of patterns and sewed a few sun dresses for myself. I felt really happy when I wore them - I never had the patience to sew nor did I think I could sew at all - that unexpected piece of my own creation made me happy. (OK, so sewing a good outfit makes me happy!).

- When I sing a song and hit the high note perfectly, and I hear the reverberation I feel truly truly happy. I wish I could sing more often and well. I would be much happier as a person over all I think!

- my children make me really really really happy. When the four of us sit together as a family and play with them, I wish I could live in that moment for ever. I feel truly happy and blessed. And even as I think that I have this fear that something may take that away from me.

- If my dad was also alive and if my parents still were living in our house in Chennai and I could go back to visit them there...spend time at home...it would make me so so so happy! Sorry Poppin - I know you are shaking your head saying "What's this obsession about a home in India?!". But the image of it fills me with happiness and that it will never be - that my children can never go back to a home there - makes me sad.
Now I am moving a happy tag to a sad tag - so I better stop here. It's pretty late anyway and B wants to leave early for work tomorrow - so I better wind up now. Sorry Kiran - this is just a random list of things that make me happy. Thanks anyway for tagging me - helps me realize that there are definitely some things that make me happy! :)

KB ate what?!

Avocado parathas?! Wow! I mean this kid is really too much. I give him apple juice, he says "No". I ask him if he wants to have tutti fruti ice-cream - No. I think he just doesn't like food. No, just like his mother he is picky. That's all. Totally random.

We went to the Indian store the other day and B ordered Sev Puri. KB immediately asked for a cup of the same stuff - minus the puri. So he wanted the Sev - which he calls "Maggi" on taking a quick look. I feel excited if he just wants to try any new food. I can't explain why this fills me with excitement but it does. For a lot of parents, they are used to their child wanting to eat a lot of different things even if they are not good eaters. But for me, if KB even agrees to try something new, I feel happy - since he doesn't do so easily.

I saw this recipe for avocado chapathis. I give both KB and KG avocado every now and then as part of their meals. Mashed in the blender for KG and just sauteed for KB.
I decided to make avocado parathas today since I had a little bit of time since KB was in a good mood and looked like he would give me time to experiment with stuff.
These parathas turned out so yummy - I thought I should post about it so the few people who read my post can try it out. Especially since avocados are so good for health - it would be nice if some kids end up liking this stuff.

I took about 3/4 of an avocado (chopped) and added a pinch of turmeric, coriander leaves, two green chillies and put them all into the blender container. Just as I was about to blend it, on a whim, I just added a 1/4 teaspoon amount of MTR kothamalli thokku (coriander thokku). It gave it a bit of spicy twist. You can skip adding the thokku of course.

I blended this to paste and added enough chapathi flour (I used Laxmi brand) to knead it into a soft dough. No extra water added to the flour.
It gave me about 7 medium sized parathas. It is so easy to make parathas this way - once you blend it all as part of the flour - esp with avocados, it just yields to the motions of the roller so smoothly. No cracks, nothing.

By the way, two people (Neera in her comment) wrote to me that they tried out my MIL's pulav recipe and that it turned out to be awesome - I wish I could call my MIL now and tell her that. It is during these moments that you miss the person. But she lives on in the memories she has created for us and now in all the yummy pulav that a few people have had.

Oh back to the original story - so I made these avocado parathas and B just loved them. He could not guess at all what he was having until I told him. Note, this is "B" who loved them, not "KB" - if KB had "loved" the parathas, I would have been in heaven and still floating there! I cut half a paratha into different shapes (since KB had macroni with butter for a snack late evening - he did not want dinner) and lured KB to the table. I could not believe that he didn't actually run away looking at the green stuff in front of him. He actually had a few pieces. I think he stopped after a few pieces because he was not very hungry. But I still felt elated that he ate a few pieces of my new (borrowed recipe of course)creation. Am hoping to somehow get him to eat this good stuff more often! Hope some of you try this as well - good stuff for the kids especially!