Friday, July 22, 2011

Guilt Tag from Ro

Ro, one my favorite bloggers wrote two things she feels guilty about.  Or not.  As a mom. Mommy guilt is something that is born in our systems the moment the fetus is formed I think.  I should be eating better, but man, I am lazy to cook now, let me just eat noodles.  Oh dear, I am so terrible, giving my system Atta noodles when I have a baby growing inside of me.  Terrible terrible me.  I have not gained enough weight for it being the second trimester.  It must be because of not eating well.  Just starts there and never ends.  But of course we all do things every now and then where we go with our needs or desires ahead of the children.  And feel guilty about it.  And sometimes not even feel guilty about it.  I read Ro's interesting post on this and I really can write down her number one thing as is here because I do the same and I just don't feel guilty about it.  Kids bedtime routine has moved on to dad because enough is enough I have woken up hours on end with KB until he was about two years old and with KG when she was an infant when I woke up to nurse her.  I honestly also feel they need quiet time with daddy, so let him enjoy the bed time routine. No guilt there.  So let me write something I do feel guilty about.

I grew up seeing my parents fight with each other all the time.  They had their own connection, used to go to weddings and functions together, discuss people, friends, incidents, help people and never question each other about it - but bicker they did - what to me seemed non stop.  I hated it.  That horrible temper they would be in when they were in the thick of the fight.  I told myself I should not do that to my kids.  I don't do it to my kids that same way.  But I don't even want to do it to the extent I do now.  I fight with B in front of them.  Not just argue.  We shout and yell and spill our guts out for those thirty seconds.  Words like "ridiculous" and "Goddamn it" are used.  I slam cabinet doors as I cook when I am in the middle of a fight.  There have been times when KB has broken down crying because he always takes my side and he feels very bad that I am upset.  We play the blame game and I find it embarrassing.  Fighting like second graders.  I feel horribly guilty about it.  But I console myself that a) they need to know people fight, it happens, we move on, we are still friends b) mom is surely not a saint c) I do show to them that B and I also care for each other because I always tell them even on a day that we may have fought that their dad is an amazing dad and they are lucky to have such a wonderful dad and that it is not OK to talk back to daddy in anger.  You can argue with mom or dad but no rudeness allowed.  And I go through the guilt all over again because I am not showing it in my actions, I should not be shouting at their dad. 

2) This one is just like the one Ro wrote about.  There are days when I am running around from place to place and getting things done in the house, I just forget to eat breakfast or there is not enough time for a snack in the evening.  I used to get the multi colored fennel candy (if I happened to go to the Indian store) which I used to love as a child and still do.  If I get that, in my hunger, I used to gobble up half the packet during the drive.  This while restricting my sweet toothed daughter to eat 2 or 3 max of Bourbon cookies.  I have since stopped buying that candy.  My son, the saint of the house without ever scolding me has made me stop buying it by being such a role model for me.  How? I once told him about how he should not eat dum dum lollipops too much (he does not eat ANY candy or chocolate but he used to eat this) because it has food dyes that are not good for children.  He asked me more about it and then said "Then why do those companies make it for children?".  I said, they do, because they know kids will like it and they will also get money.  But since then he has pretty much stopped eating those lollipops.  Sometimes I am the one telling him to have one and that it is OK once in a while but he still won't eat it.  He will only eat the naturally flavored/colored with fruit juice pops from Trader Joes.  I was shamed into having half his self control when it comes to my fennel candy. 

Well, that's my guilt story. 

I tag "Neera" and "Ranjani" on this one!


Rohini said...

That was super quick! Loved it. So similar on the nighttime ritual and the sly junk eating. I wouldn't worry too much about fighting. No point in raising kids in a Utopian world. They should know that fighting is a part of healthy relationships. (Or so I like to tell myself) ;)

noon said...

Ro - thanks - gave me a chance to vent about my guilt on the fighting one esp. I do feel bad about it. But I can't wait till the kids go to bed to fight with B! My kids certainly know it's not an ideal world! :)

Neera said...

Liked to read this noonoo ..and learnt a great lesson ..u can argue with mom/dad but no rudeness allowed :) Thanks for that line. Am taking up the tag and will ping u once done. Pls don't check back before that ;)

Neera said...

done donadon done :)