I wanted to write a post or at least mail a bunch of my blog pals about how frustrated I was feeling about the last few days. I was annoyed enough to tell people not** to respond back with the word "Phase". I didn't want to hear it. KB had suddenly gotten into this weird mode of crying loudly for the strangest of things. For about 5 days. Just out of the blue one afternoon, when I casually went in to shower, he just started crying. Like he was worried that I would disappear. I thought it was a one time thing. That evening, I went into the bathroom, that's it, he dropped what he was doing, followed me, stayed outside the door and cried his guts out. Later we were heading out to the park. My father-in-law was coming with us too. I buckled up the kids in their car seats and my FIL sat in the front and I went into the house for about 30 seconds to get something. And KB was crying so much in those few seconds. I could not move away from him. He did that a couple of times with B too. I just felt like tearing my hair apart and running far away from my children. KG who is normally a good eater has now started being impossible mainly during lunch time. She just does not want any rice of vegetables. Cereal with fruit, she is OK with. But rice with veggies, she literally grabs the spoon tight and tips the food down and examines her hand. She cries (no tears) loudly if I insist on feeding her beyond that.
You can imagine my anger considering all of this, especially KB"s sudden crying bouts went on for over five days. Few nights back I lamented to B, "I gave up my career to spend time taking care of my children and at the end of the day, I felt KB may have been better off in day care from 3m on".
And for no reason all this changed last afternoon. He doesn't care if I go to the restroom or shower. No crying. He has been so patient if while I am giving him his lunch, I need to run upstairs to change KG's diaper. He waits patiently and then continues eating. I just don't get it - just too random. But my theory is that he probably needed more food but just didn't want to eat more...or he is now sensing that when people like my brother visit they favor KG a little more. And that probably has made him feel the competition more now. He being the gentle kid will not take it out on KG but will cry himself and take it out on me without even realizing it. All this is my random child psychology.
In any case, just a little while back KB said "Good night" to me and went to bed. As is the routine, B carried him upstairs and KB was leaning on B's shoulders. Legs on either side. I felt sad that I had even fought and showed so much anger towards this sweet little child the last few days. He was leaning so innocently on B's shoulders and reminded me of how much he needs us for his sense of comfort and security.
This afternoon, while I was getting my bagel toasted during lunch time, I left KG inside the graco play yard. She is left in it only for about five minutes usually when I need to do take KB to the bathroom - since she immediately comes crawling into the bathroom. I had just taken KB to the potty and got him cleaned up. I figured while she is in there, I will get my bagel toasted and then come and sit with the kids while I ate it. KB walked to the play pen and entertained KG while I was in the kitchen. I just came to see what they were up to when I heard chuckles and gurgles of laughter from KG. She would put her hand on the mesh and KB would ram his head gently on her hand saying "tucku tukku" and she would laugh. They went about doing this for nearly 20 minutes. She just laughed and laughed at what KB was doing. If I did the same thing, she didn't care for it. It was just delightful to watch their carefree interaction. At that moment, they were a team, I was just a witness. It was beautiful. That two children can feel that kind of connection, bond and liberty and play with each other and entertain each other so nicely. These are the kinds of moments that make up for the down swings I go through when I think of the uncertainty ahead of me in my career path. You cannot expect these spontaneous moments to necessarily happen when you have free time. But when it happens, it feels good to be present. For they will be children only once. This is not to question or judge any one's personal choice. I am writing about how good it feels to be able to ride up with your children during their best moments when you go through every bit of their difficult moments too with them. I feel thankful during such moments that I am blessed to be able to spend my time in their company relishing their childhood. I am partly writing this down for myself to read when I feel upset and down about how I am constantly tending to children or attending to domestic chores. And this is for those of you who are in the brink of quitting - that the rewards are going to be very intangible, it depends on you to put a price on it. It is exhilarating, magical and fleeting - the good moments with your children when you stay home with them during their early years. A lot of work, a lot of patience but the rewards are to be etched in memory! Or well, in your blog!