After a long break I looked through a few posts randomly...and I signed into my own and saw Tharini's message...Thanks Tharini, sweet of you! I especially think of you now and I actually read one your old posts again a few weeks back - the one about how if you think of parenting as something spritual it makes a lot of difference in being able to cope with the challenges that come with it...and you can guess now why I might have read that post again. I am pregnant with the second child due end of June.
Unlike madmomma who very much wanted a second (and I assume you too) and is very very excited about it from day one, I actually found this to be a difficult decision for me. I was very happy with just one child. I did not desire to have a second child nor did I look forward to going through pregnancy all over again. I had planned to join a program (with a fellowship that is awarded to very few students each year) but having a child meant giving up both the admission and the fellowship. I knew that if I did have a second I would have to postpone getting back to the work/study world for that much longer. This was not the only reason but everything put together I really hesistated to even think about having a second child. I feel there is so much pain and suffering in this world, why bring one more child into this world. I feel/felt guilty even about wanting to have our own child when there are so many in need of a home. Yet the desire to have our own was strong and I also did not want to adopt - I was ready to just support a lot of children (I am involved with a home for children) rather than adopting one - I feared how it would be if I regretted the adoption - the guilt would kill me. Illogical as it may seem, I felt more at liberty to feel anger during difficult moments with my own child than with an adopted one.
The first child, I was looking forward to it. Everything was novel and I felt completely at peace. For the second, I wanted my child to have a sibling (and the two of them for each other) and that was the only driving force behind my decision. I could not imagine my life without my siblings and I wanted my child to also have that joy. One of my brothers was totally not in favor of having a second (he has only one) and the other one (who also has only one son) was always trying to convince me not to make the mistake of having just one child! My mother ofcourse was all in favor of it and I suppose she thinks I make this decision too - she wanted me to badly have a girl! My husband was sure we should have two children. If he had had any doubts about it, we would not have gone for it since I was so unsure of it myself. Anyway - with a lot of trepidation I did make the decision that I would give it a few months and if within that time I did get pregnant, we would indeed have a second child. I found out I was pregnant just a day before my mother-in-law passed away. I did not even get around to telling her about it - she would have been so happy to know about it. I went to India for her funeral and came back in two weeks. I had to deal with 10 days of jetlag with my son along with my first trimester nausea - not so much throwing up - but just a total lack of appetite and hence a constant feeling of hunger. It was also getting dark very early since it is winter and my husband was working late hours each day and weekends to catch up on the two weeks of work that had piled up when he was away in India. Those were depressing 10 days. At that moment I reminded myself of Tharini's post - sometimes it does feel like it is something you give of yourself to raise children. Even if it is difficult and painful at times. Ofcourse the joys too are endless but you really earn the joy with a lot of hardwork. And I do feel that while working mothers have to face a different set of challenges, sahm's have to deal with a lot of mental drain - you don't get a break to just do something for yourself - not even read something in total peace for an hour - it is a a difficult thing to get used to. It is a choice you make no doubt, but that doesn't make it easier. Well, I have got through the first trimester and I am able to eat a lot better though I have not gained any weight at all. I am looking forward to knowing the gender of the baby - just like madmomma - I too am all for knowing the gender as soon as possible! My friend who is also pregnant is trying hard to convince me not to find out and I am trying hard to convince her to find out the gender! Anyway - that's the news from my end. Hoping for a healthy child for all of us who are pregnant now...and a healthy girl esp for madmomma since she so badly wants a girl! I am ok with either one really - with the first one I was so eager and was so sure it would be a girl - it took me a day to mentally readjust when the ultrasound technician casually told me "oh by the way it's a boy!". Now I am ok with a boy or a girl - just praying for a healthy child! Taking it by the day now...hopefully everything will go well and we will have a healthy child. I cannot imagine what it will be like to deal with two children at the same time. My son is a good natured child but he does give me a difficult time when it comes to eating - it drains me out to feed him his meals three times a day - I do hope that changes for the better so I have the energy to cope with feeding two children at the same time! Plenty of changes and new things to look forward to in 2007!